Nash's world

41 Reasons why I shouldn’t be a father

by on Jun.13, 2010, under Uncategorized

  • 1. I’d undoubtably call the child Spider-man or Optimus Prime or something.
  • 2. Failing that, I’d just call him or her Optimus Prime or Spiderman or something, regardless of what’s on his/her’s birth cert. To prove, I’ll name my hypothetical child Shepard for the remainder of this list.
  • 3. Shepard’s first language would be C.
  • 4. I’d train him from day one to be a superhero some day. This is apparently a bad thing.
  • 5. I’d smack him if he didn’t use grammar more or less correctly in any language he speaks.
  • 6. I’m dyslexic so he would not be able to spell
  • 7. I’d leave him in the wilderness at a young age for a few weeks to let him fend for himself.
  • 8. I’d feed him a small amount of various toxins every few days in increasing amounts to help him build up a resistance.
  • 9. I’d train him in the art of gun kata from four years of age.
  • 10. Shepard’s mother would presumably be some sort of android.
  • 11. Speaking of, at birth, I would replace a few of his body parts with replaceable robotic ones.
  • 12. I’d end up eating all of his Coco Pops.

  • 13. I’d also watch more cartoons than he would.
  • 14. And beat him if he doesn’t let me change the channel when Ben 10 comes on.
  • 15. I’d never bring him to the doctor, instead I’d teach him to perform self-surgery with a knife and a bit of string.
  • 16. I’d get him to steal things for me.
  • 17. At 14, I’d throw him out of the house until he’d lost his virginity. (unless Shepard’s female, in which case, at 14, I’d lock her up until EVERYBODY ELSE WAS DEAD.)
  • 18. At 16, I’d make him build a car or bike for himself.
  • 19. At 12, I’d send him to the wilderness again until he’d built his own lightsaber.
  • 20. I’d change my name to Josef Fritzl to freak out my neighbours.
  • 21. I’d also buy a Ford Transit with blacked-out windows and “FREE CANDY INSIDE” written on the side.
  • 22. I’d teach him to hack the school’s grading system if he ever came home with less than straight As.
  • 23. I’d use him as a test-pilot for jetpacks.
  • 24. I’d tweet about every single moment of his life.
  • 25. I wouldn’t be able to stop saying “The force is strong with you, young Shepard” at least twice a day. Unless the force wasn’t strong with him, in which case I’d drown him and try again.
  • 26. Speaking of drowning him, at birth, I’d make sure to submerge him fully in the Styx instead of holding him by the ankle.
  • 27. I’d refuse him treatment for any disease. If it kills him, he clearly wasn’t supposed to be alive.
  • 28. I’d have to kill him if he turned out ginger.
  • 29. Or smoked or did any drugs.
  • 30. I’d not let him have any friends unless they were called a good sidekick name.
  • 31. Or unless they were called a good supervillain name. Every feud needs a backstory.
  • 32. If, at an age I deem appropriate, the designated supervillains hadn’t done anything evil enough, I’d instigate something, possibly by hacking off parts of Shepard’s girlfriend and pretending they did it.
  • 33. At eight, I’d send him into Asia’s badlands to be trained by a group of ninjas.
  • 34. I’d implant a camera in his brain, Final Cut style, and not tell him about it until after puberty, then blackmail him with videos of his private time.
  • 35. I’d give him several hundred middle names in varying languages.
  • 36. I’d leave him artificially blinded for the first few years of his life, just to see his reaction when he can see all of a sudden.
  • 37. If he hadn’t written an entire operating system by 13, I’d label him a failure, kill him, and try again.
  • 38. Speaking of, I’d use him as a base for many, many clones.
  • 39. As well as a testbed for several in-development “super-soldier” serums.
  • 40. As well as infesting his room with radioactive spiders and gamma ray generators.
  • 41. If he didn’t discover the secret of non-assisted human flight by 25, I’d label him a failure, kill him, and try again.
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